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How To Find The Right Person - 10/31/2011

There is a plethora of single individuals in our society who are desperately  searching for the perfect mate.  Someone who will share their lives, love and nurture them.  Sadly, too many of them are lonely, depressed and disillusioned.  They are quick to say, “Im tired of looking”, or “I don’t know where or how to find him/her.  Maybe I should join Match.Com, E-Harmony, J-Date, or some other dating service, because nothing else has worked.”   

In most cases, they’re right.   Their best intentions and actions frequently fall flat.  As a result, those individuals over thirty are becoming increasingly anxious; over forty, they’re depressed and, by fifty, they’re resigned to remaining single.  Those  who divorced begin to doubt their decision regarding leaving their marriages and many begin to wonder if , in retrospect, a bird in the hand wasn’t worth more than two in the bush. The remainder of them settle for less.  They rush into ill-fitting relationships or marriages that are bound to have short life spans.   At this time, what I want to do is provide you with a path you can follow to find your special person.

There are two axioms that prevail when searching for a partner.  You always get who you are and Opposites attract.  You might say, “I’m not at all like my husband/wife.  In fact, I’m totally opposite from him/her.”  But, that isn’t the case.  I understand that it may appear so, particularly if you judge solely by outward behavior.   However, let me give you an example that might better aid you to understand this.  Picture a junior high classroom.  In the middle of the room is young man who, when the teacher’s back is turned, throws spitballs.  He puts his foot out, as though to trip students walking by his desk and answers the teacher’s questions in an obtuse, supposedly humorous fashion.  What is he trying to do?  The answer is simple.  Draw attention to himself.  Why?  Probably because he feels he doesn’t fit in and can’t compete.  Consequently, he draws attention to himself through negative behaviors.   To describe this youngster, you might say that he feels inadequate, insufficient and depressed.  

In the same classroom, there is a young lady who enters the room just as the bell is ringing.  She chooses a seat behind the biggest individual, offers no comments and causes no problems.  What’s she doing? The answer is apparent.  She’s hiding.  Her behavior is the opposite of the young man seeking negative attention.  How would you describe her?  Probably as inadequate, insufficient and depressed.   

There you have it.  These two individuals behave in a totally opposite manner, but their feelings are the same.

It’s hard to believe, but most of you choose your spouses according to these two axioms.  Thus, anxious, insecure, frightened individuals find anxious, insecure, frightened spouses.  But they’re generally unaware of the dynamics governing their behavior.   In fact, similar to most of you, they believe you choose your partners rationally and intellectually.  Thus, you make lists of the type of person you desire - tall, short,  thin, fat, blue or green eyed, brunette or blonde.  You may want someone talkative, with a sense of humor, or someone studious, educated, or successful and rich.  The truth be known, you might just as well throw the list away, because it’s rarely who you get.  Instead, most of you go after individuals whose behavior, although 180º the opposite of yours, compliments you.  If you’re quiet, you get someone who talks.  If you’re a talker, you search out someone who’s quiet.  If you’re authoritarian, you find someone passive.  If you’re a victimizer, you need someone who is a victim.  In the end, you marry on the basis of your neuroses, weaknesses and inadequacies, as opposed to your strengths.  Consequently, a majority of marriages consist of two dysfunctional, emotionally  immature adults, who wind up rearing equally dysfunctional children together.  It’s no wonder that so many youngsters wind up with emotional problems.

If you want to circumvent becoming another divorce statistic or adding to the number of dysfunctional marriages that already exist, there are three steps you have to follow.  One, be sure your intellect and your emotions are on the same page.  Don’t just claim you want to marry, look inside and determine if  you’re really open and receptive to marriage.  Thinking or saying it isn’t enough.  You have to ensure that your unconscious fears aren’t governing you and causing you to be attracted to people who are unavailable, abusive or ineffectual because they’re safe.  You also need to introspectively examine whether or not you  push people away, i.e., behave coldly, hostilely, critically or are excessively dependent because none of those behaviors will contribute to you finding a healthy partner.  Two, always remember that you get who you are on the inside.  Once you buy into that rule, it makes it evident that you have to become the person you want.  That means that you behave in a manner similar to the way you would expect your future partner to react.  Hopefully, it would include discovering who you are and learning to live with you.  The result would be that the partner you get is a person who has also learned to live with himself . Therefore, he’ll have no trouble living with you.  More often than not, this isn’t the case.  Few of you are truly accepting of or able to live with self.  Thus, you marry someone like yourself and spend most of the marriage punishing them for the things you see in them that you can’t abide by in you.  Three, you’ve got to grow up.  That doesn’t mean you fit in the box and do everything that society dictates or considers politically correct.  It means that you deal with life head on.  You don’t distort reality.  You see it for what it is and deal with it.  You, either change what you don’t like or learn to accept what can’t be changed.  The reason you must grow up is that it’s the only way to avoid becoming one of those dysfunctional children who marries a dysfunctional child and raises dysfunctional offspring.  

There is one problem.  These steps are  difficult to accomplish.  Therefore,  if you find yourself having trouble with them, please seek help from a  professional so that, in the future, you can have a healthy, long-lasting meaningful relationship with someone you love.

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